Planetaly Defence System All Destroyed

Me: so, how's the z* critter? i should really email/call k*.
Susan: you should stop saying it and do it! He's fine, growing like a weed. Painfully cute :) In an alien sort of way
Me: yeah, i know i should. i'm bad. ALIEN PARASITE WILL SUCK OUT YOUR BRAIN!
Susan: eek! I always wash my hands real good after playing with him ;)
Me: OK. I emailed him. Make sure you disinfect them as well. Hot soapy water, H2SO4, NaOH, and a nice HCl rinse.
Susan: man.....i'm tellin' you, I WILL call your mother.
Me: ***-***-**** (I really did give her my mom's number) You have to get the cooties off.
Susan: sigh*.....don't get me started on you again...
Me: chicken.
Susan: here's the scene...picture if you will....

It's morning, a little after 8am in the High home. A sleepy Clair wipes he sleepiness from his eyes and looks over at his beautiful, still sleeping wife. How peaceful and beautiful she looks, even still...he thinks.

The moment of serenity is quickly swept away in a whirlwind of rambunctious, eager little ones...all tripping over each other to scramble into the bed with you. They flash their baby blue eyes and softly remind you that you PROMISED to take them to McDonald's for pancakes on Saturday. "Please Daddy! Please! You said! You said! Our rooms are clean and everything!!" The morning sun highlights their smiling faces and dances in their golden hair, and you, too, are smiling entirely too much to deny them this little pleasure.

Whatta scene....oh, yeah, but don't forget the icky germs....right?

Susan: The critter is mighty cute, I must say. I see em once a week or so, you need to make an appearance, you know.

Me: Just as long as I don't have to touch the baby. I don't want them baby cooties rubbing off on me. Next thing you know *I'LL* be getting married and be a father. That's just not on the agenda, yet.

Babies are hideous. They're little aliens. Their head's too big (it's even got a hole in it!!!) and it wobbles around. They drool caustic substances, and I won't mention what comes out the other end.

Susan: N*, by the way, happens to be adorable. I feel the same way and I could not resist him, I actually picked him up by myself and kissed on him. He is precious.

Me: Awww damnit! Now I can't touch you cause you got the cooties.

Susan: CLAIR!!!!! *GASP!* I'm surprised at you! Shame! (although secretly I agree, I am in complete shock)

Me: What'd I do?

Susan: Speaking of such a natural, magical occurance that way! Like it's a disease!

Me: Magical? Not magical. Magical would be...

ABRACADABRA!!!!! *poof* *baby suddenly appears*

Babies aren't diseases, they're parasites. They suck off of the mother for approximately 9 months and then, they suck all your money and resources for another 18 years after they've been rejected from the womb.

Susan: wow....may i have the name and address of your mother, please?

Me: What do you want that for?

Susan: ohhh...*whistling*....nothing.

Me:It's too late to save her, she's already harbored two such parasites.

Susan: *sigh*....you're a lost cause. Secretly I know that you will be such a great Daddy, it's cute to picture.